Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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