Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Barsexuality is the new black.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
