Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
