I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
