Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
