Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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