pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
