so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
