Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
