FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
