Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
