So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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