Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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