Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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