I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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