I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i was born a porn star she said
I need to stop coming to work sober
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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