I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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