11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
