I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
