I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
