where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
