...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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