After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
