You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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