My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
