Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
