1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think my moral compass just broke
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
