Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
