Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
