YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
