I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
How's work?
Spinning.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Found your dick twin last night
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
