You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
