you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I still have a little drunk in my system
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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