Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
