And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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