He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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