So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
