If that was your dad, he is hot
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
