This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
