It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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