i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
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The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Who died my cat blue again?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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