i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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