Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
