That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
