Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
