I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
