A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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