Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
