I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Randomize
