I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
