hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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