What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
