Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
