Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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