I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
