Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
